Posted by: kiwitoast | January 26, 2010

How to earn the respect of others

Nobody respects you. Your the butt monkey of everyone’s life. You get pushed around everywhere you go. Your boss hates you, and only uses you. In essence, your small range of social interactions is limited to people using you, pushing you around, and screwing you over.

If that small paragraph accurately, or somewhat described you life, than I believe that we must find the root of the problem. I think the problem here is that nobody respects you. But how can you remedy that? Well, you’re in luck, because this post will teach you how to earn the respect of others! Get respect from others! Get people to say happy birthday to you on their birthday! Get others to acknowledge your dreary existence! So much good can come from this! So read carefully, it could change your life.

1.Talk in a stronger, deeper voice.

Everybody likes a guy with a deep voice. Hey, everybody loves Morgan Freeman. So you know what? Use a deep voice. Talk as low as you can. Try it out right now. Can you do it? Good. Now make it even lower. And continue that process until you have the deepest voice imaginable. Hopefully with practice, you will be able to talk like this every day. Now that you have your deep voice perfected, you must start making it louder. Whenever you talk, scream at the top of your lungs with a deep voice. Now, combining these two will be hard. If you can’t do it well, start by talking extremely deep, and slowly start to talk louder. Instantly you will find that whenever you talk you’ll grab everyone’s attention. Everyone will respect you when you talk in this voice.

2. Suits.

Wear a suit. Do it. What? This section needs explaining? Alright. Suits. Suits are the epitome of classiness. Now what you’ll want is a collection of suits. Yes I understand that they’re expensive. No, I do not care. The amount of respect you’ll earn outweighs the amount of dollars you will be in debt. Now, what are good examples of suit wearers? Glad you asked, Barney Stinson.

Don't tell me he isn't awesome.

Look, this is the epitome of awesome, and just look, you would respect this person. Correct? Correct. In essence, suits are the best clothing that you could possibly use to pick up respect (and women/men), and in conclusion, you should DEFINITELY wear them to attain respect.

3. Always smile.

Smiling helps you get respect. How? I do not know, but this section will be devoted to what sort of smile you should put on. For instance, many people associate smiling with something like this.

Except without the yellow background and lack of eyes except for the pupils.

However, that is INCORRECT. Gosh, how do you expect people to like you when you have a normal smile? No, everybody can smile like a yellow circle which fully black eyes and a line for a mouth, but not everybody has what it takes to perfect their own and unique smile. For instance, this is the sort of smile you want to aim for.

This is the perfect smile.

Yes, perfect. This is the exact kind of smile you want, but add some twists to your smile. Remember, you want to be someone who has a distinguished, unique smile, instead of the “Mainstream” smile garbage the rest of the world has. Now having a good, unique smile isn’t all you need. No, not at all. You need to be able to smile all the time. When you sleep, when you eat, when you cook, when you breathe, you want to be using your perfect smile all the time. However, it will come to a point where your smile has effectively just frozen right on your face. That is the moment of perfection. Now you can gain respect, without any effort.

4.Talk. A lot.

Talking. Talk about business, economy, the way the world is going, etc. This is a very important step, because when you talk, people will often think you are somebody who knows things. And you know what? Knowing things earns you respect. Now, you don’t even require the basic knowledge of what you’re talking about. Politics? Say something about how one party is sort of like “yeah” and the other party is sort of like “yeah”; Which are adjectives coined by Miley Cyrus. This in essence gives people an idea that you are extremely smart and respectable. When you talk a lot, people will instantly notice your talking, and some might even tell you to be quiet, just because you’re more knowledgeable than they are, thus earning their respect. Basically, you want to make other people know that you are someone who knows things, and people who know things = respectable people.

5. Communicate Telepathically.

This is a step that not everybody can master, but once mastered, it can be very useful in earning the respect of others. If you can use this step, skip 1-4. Basically, channel your minds energy into another persons, by staring at the head of someone else, while placing your middle and index fingers right above your ears.Here is an example.

Undoubtedly the best man of this decade.

Now, this takes a lot of tries, and many people will try to ask you what you’re doing. Ignore them, do not let anybody bother you in this process. This will ultimately break your concentration and force you to start again. Now, once you are successful, channel to the target that you are reading their mind, and to respect you. This will INSTANTLY gain the respect of the person who’s mind you’re communicating telepathically with.


In conclusion, gaining respect is something that you should not try willy nilly. It is infact a very hard process, but if you follow these steps, you will be the most respected person amongst your coworkers, family, friends (if you have them), and more.

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