Posted by: kiwitoast | February 28, 2010

How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse in Wal-Mart

Disclaimer: This is my personal strategy, and by no means is it the best one. In addition, this guide will assume the Wal-Mart of choice is a Wal-Mart Supercenter, you know, the one with all the food and stuff and foodstuffs. In addition, this assumes the zombies are fast but fragile.

Everybody knows that everybody dies in 2012. But why? Because of a zombie apocalypse. Everybody in in the understanding that we all die in 2012 because of zombies. However, there is hope in this dimly-lit tunnel. Where? Wal-Mart Supercenter. This is the best place to be when the dead walk again, and why? There are tons of foods, supplies, clothing, entertainment, etc etc etc etc etc.

1. Seclude an area in the wal mart

There are various areas in Wal-Mart supercenter that you could transport all of your things to. However, some stores specialize in some things more than others. The easy way to go is just to move all your televisions, computers, refrigerators, clothes, etc to the food section, for the sole reason that eating is incredibly important. However, another section that you should consider is the gardening section. Farming will get extremely important when all the food you have currently spoils, if the apocalypse lasts that long, but in my opinion, you should always prepare for the worst case scenario. After you’ve decided on a place, move all your food, supplies, kitchen appliances and etc.

2. Barricade your section

Now you need to barricade your secluded area. Depending on your Wal-Mart, you may or may not have a section for wood and all that jazz or a hardware store close by. If you do, you’re in luck. However, for the less fortunate we’re going to have to find some stuff to barricade. The metal from the clothing sections might work, as well as other places, and you may be able to break down some walls to get some wood to barricade. Whatever you do, make sure it’s sturdy. Both shambling and fast zombies will be able to break down walls that aren’t very well reinforced, but if you make it strong enough, shamblers will only be able to break it little by little for the rest of your life, or fast zombies will eventually tire.

3. Freeze Food

Againl preparing for the long run is what you should be doing, unless you’re lazy, and I know you are. However, for the non-existent population of lazy people, this is going to take a lot of work. You’ll need to put food in ziploc bags, suck all the air out of them, and then freeze them. This way, the food with last longer.  This step will take much less time if you’ve chosen the food section as your safe area in wal-mart, but it’s still up to you whether you think you can take the challenge of carrying food long distances.

4. Grow food

Wal-Mart has a gardening section, and as such, you should use it to grow your own food. Your frozen food might not last all to long, if the apocalypse goes on long enough, and you need a back up plan. In this case the backup plan is to grow your own food. Not only is it healthier, it’s organic, and it tastes good? Now hopefully you have someone who knows how to garden, otherwise your screwed. You should begin by finding enough soil to grow a crop of vegetables, and then plant the seeds. Yup. That’s it.

4. Look for guns

Your gun count will change from place to place, for example, in Canada, you’re lucky to be able to get a BB gun and maybe a hunting rifle. However, you may find more luck in areas in the US. Basically, you need to find as many guns, assemble as many guns, craft as many guns, whatever. Guns are important. What are you going to do if a zombie breaks through and you don’t have any weapons? Die, that’s what you’re going to do. Find guns, use guns, live.

5. Find Melee Weapons

Now, guns won’t last you the entire time. Or they will, but you’ll run out of ammo. Or they jam. Whatever the case, you need melee weapons. Now, melee weapons can be fun as well. You’ve got lawn mowers, chainsaws, play light sabers, pieces of wood. Whatever. You just need something to fend off the hordes when they’re about to dig in to your intestines and squeeze the remnants of your last supper into their eyes. Chainsaws and lawnmowers or anything that makes a loud sound for that matter will likely attract the hordes, so watch out for that.

6. Work out

Yes, even with your guns and melee weapons, you still need to rely on what your deity gave you. Your body. Now, not only do you need to build strength to be able to use the melee weapons more efficiently, you’ll be needing to do a lot of Cardio. If you’ve seen zombieland, you know that cardio is the first rule.  In addition, you might want to work on your metaphorical guns in case you don’t have a melee weapon at hand. However, even if you have one, you still need to be able to use them, as i said before.

7. Live

You basically just want to not die. I mean in theory you could kill yourself if you were depressed that your life is now void of anything except for surviving through the hordes of zombies. Just eat, kill if they come it, barricade, connect with other survivors in the area, etc. Whatever the case, just make sure you survive.

8. Procreate

Now I know this seems a bit threatening to you couch potatoes, because likely you’ve never done it before except for with your hand. However, hopefully theres someone more attractive than you who can procreate with someone who’s obviously way out of your league. But just remember, you may be the person who has to do it some time, so watch out for that.

Conclusion

In conclusion, these are the steps I would take to survive inside a Wal-Mart. It’s not all fun and games, living in an imaginary zombie apocalypse. Actually to be honest it seems like it would be pretty awesome, but that’s beside the point. So remember, next time theres a zombie apocalypse, head to your nearest Wal-Mart supercenter.

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Responses

  1. […] Here’s a Guide to surviving the zombie apocalypse at your local WalMart. […]

  2. […] Here’s a Guide to surviving the zombie apocalypse at your local WalMart. […]

  3. Ok, wal mart may seem like a great place to be, but you have to realize, one infected person can hide the cut, bite, or the infected area, easily, go into walmart, turn into a zombie, and start eating people, turn them, and they turn people too, now you may be able to kill them in time, but you lose people that way, EVERYONE will be going to wal mart to get supplies, and people are quite vicious when a new game system comes out, but think of how it would be when zombies attack, there will be no food or things to drink within hours, or minutes, people will kill others for taking the last whatever, and then people die that way, people panic too easily, they don’t stop to think of helping others or whatever else needs to be, trust me, going to wal mart, VERY bad idea, yes, you can lock it up, you can bar places up, keep zombies from getting in, but sooner or later, you’ll run out, and zombies usually crowd around large buildings, and wal mart would be one of them, not very smart if you ask me, it is a very good place, but you need to think about how long you’d be able to live there, being on the move during night, you have more of a chance of living then you do day, and staying in one place, will be likely the death of you, trust me, when zombies attack, stay someplace for a week or two, then, at night, move, take as much food and supplies as you can with you, but move to another place where you can hide. And if you take these to heart, you’ll live longer

  4. Wow, you did not think a few things out and were completely unclear about barricading.
    Why would you need to barricade anything? You talking about building little shelters inside of the store and dashing between them to do what you need to? All that needs to be barricaded to keep your walmart supercenter safe is to put a car infront of each glass front door, and hang curtains on the inside of them so that nothing attracts zombies to bang on the door in the first place. The rest of the doors are either heavy metal doors (that have no handle on the outside), or are large garage type doors which are sturdy enough. The glass door to the garden center is surrounded by a 20′ tall wrought iron fence that even the strongest man alive couldnt get through, and so this would be where u put a ladder to the roof which would be where you grow your food. Hanging curtains or something over the fence would be a good idea too, as well as painting a large “HELP” on the roof in case the government gets a handle on things.

    You also forgot transportation. I know you think walmart has everything, but you forgot the unlikely event that power stays on for a while, and so a washer and dryer would be useful instead of discarding clothing. Even once power goes out you’ll need a tub to handwash clothes in and barrels for rain collecting. To obtain these items requires transportation, which can be housed in the tire and lube bays. There are 3 bays, 1 for a car, 1 for a semitruck (this you will have to commandeer from some unlucky driver), and 1 for water buffaloes that would hold fuel.

    Keeping a second semi docked at the back of the store with an attached trailer and supplies ready to go is a good idea as well. The back of the store is where the large garage doors are and are used for unloading new stock. This truck would be used for an evacuation in case the glass doors were ever breached, everyone could pile in and get out quickly with supplies already ready.

    Enjoy the new input, you’re gonna need it.

  5. –this walmart thing is absolutely dumb ass! that is where all the people are going to go to now, I would rather barricade my own house with all the stuff I will need: FOOD, WATER, PLANTS, FIRST AID KIT and… GUNS! LOTS OF GUNS AND AMMO! 🙂 the rule is, the bigger your base, the more entrances you will have to barricade. You do not have all the time in the world to do that. you can’t make the zombies wait for you to barricade before they go for your gray matter, right? the best thing to do is bulk up your stocks at home, bulk up your house into a fortress and make a back up plan if shit hits the fan. i hope you guys are ready, me I got an m4, m14, desert eagle, grenades, machetes, katana and thousands of rounds per gun. it would really help if you knew some one or have been in the military. see you guys after all this shit, if it ever happens. as for me, it’s better to be prepared now than be a zombie meal later.


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