Posted by: kiwitoast | February 5, 2010

How to form a religion

Religion is everything these days. You’ve got the Christians, Buddhists, Hindus, Scientologists, and more. But what is religion? Religion is belief. Anybody can create a religion, but nobody can make a good religion. It’s fine that your skills in religion making are bar none, because I’m here to help. Religion is a difficult thing to grasp, and if you don’t grasp it well, you may be grasping yourself into an argument with someone religious. However, there is also athiesm, which is a way for teenagers to show their individuality, and agnosticism, for indecisive cuss words. Reading this article will give you a good grasp on how to form a basic religion.

1. Create a deity.

Deities are everything in religious. Yes, I am aware of those religions who do not like deities. They’re special. However, if you want to create a religion that everyone will respect, you need a deity. I would create a flow chart but that requires effort, and I decided if I were to create an article on something that requires barely any effort,  I shouldn’t go through the trouble so you 12 year olds who think you’re original and want to create a religion can have visual understanding. You first need to decide how many deities you will have. 1 is the basic religion structure, but others go to like, 90. There is however, a balance between how much effort you put into something, and how awesome it is. However, effort is for losers. So what I would suggest, is a deity of any sex, a colour that includes green, blue, orange, or a mix of them, and wings. Wings are badass, so you require wings in any respectable deity you create. In essence, the deity you decide to create will be the thing everyone prays to.

2. Create a symbol

Every good religion has a symbol. Something people will see and say “Yep, that’s ______”. Something that will stand out of the crowd of religions, something new. How do you create a respectable symbol though? Yes, symbol making can be extremely difficult, however, with the right mindset you can create a symbol. Now, step one is to think of what your religion represents. Enlightenment? Death? Cynicism? Whatever it is, put a small picture that accurately depicts what that is, and put it as the background. The foreground is the hardest, the way I see it, you have multiple choices. You can either put your deity itself, but that’s dumb. Alternatively you could put some random design and justify it later, for example, a few squares or circles or lines or hexagons or whatever. It doesn’t even have to be geometric, it could be a assortment of wavy lines. When you have combined those two you should have made a good symbol for your religion.

3. Name your religion

How could I forget the most vital part of all religions? THE NAME! Every religion requires a name, whether it’s good or bad. First of all, you need to think of a random jumble of letters. It’s really simple, you can just mash letters on your keyboard to achieve something to the extent of nwigoa. Now that we have Nwigoa, you need to add -ism to it, and voila! We now have a new religion that goes by the name of Nwigoaism. The followers in turn will be Nwigoasts. Don’t you see how easy it is just to make a simple religion name? It’s as easy ans bashing your hand on the keyboard and adding a dumb prefix that people automatically associate with offensiveness or religion.

4. Create a backstory

Every religion has meaning. But yours doesn’t! This is horrible, because every religion has to have some sort of deeper meaning or path to self excellence. So what do you base your religion about? Well, first look around you. Spot the first thing you see, and try to analyze the true meaning within that, and project that onto your religion. For example

I spot a coca-cola can, which on the outside is the projection of a thousand shattered soul with one white line, the inside represents the deaths of a million people and only by drinking them they can be freed again in the form of a yellow liquid, which represents the sun in our life.

That example would mean that the religion was based on the ideology that you could eat someone and they would be free. Simple enough right? Right.

5. Find followers

It’s hard to find followers for your religion, but with practice, you can create a whole myriad of followers and supporters for your religion. There are many ways to get followers, first is to network. Talk to people, give them your business card, tell them how great your religion is. There’s only one problem with this method. It’s a religion. Second is propaganda. This is a very direct method. Works well. Finally, there’s the only way that would actually work for someone like you and is go to a bar with a bunch of drunk people who are so impaired they can’t tell the difference between an eggplant and the tooth fairy, and get them to join your group. This is step 1 of 2, next is to squeeze out information that they don’t want you to know, so that when they’re sober, you can pin that information on them, and voila! You have followers.

Conclusion

I hope this guide has helped you on the road to creating a religion. Hopefully in the future we’ll live in a utopia where everyone has their own religion and everyone follows everyone.

On second thought, that would be horrible.


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Responses

  1. I would like to join the Coca-Cola religion. I want to feel the warm blessings of yellow liquid running through my body! I want it to take me Higher -Creed
    Oh dear!

    How much does it cost to join?

    • Hmm, it’s great that you want to join a religion as great as the one of coca-cola. For normal people, I would charge $580, but for you, only $100.

      • Holy shit – really?! Do I get my own sacrificial dagger, too?!

      • No, Daggers are for wusses. We use sharp pieces of the can!

      • Do you accept Western Union? I live in Nigeria….

  2. I dunno… the daggers seem pretty sweet….

    • Psh, you realize quickly how lame those are once you’ve been introduced to the coca-cola religion


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