Posted by: kiwitoast | February 3, 2010

How to take a photo

We all have photos. Grad photos, vacation photos, baby photos, photo of you and your girlfriend who you’ve been going out with for 2 days and required proof to you friends photos. There is one photo that matters the most though, and it’s photos of yourself. You are the most important thing in your world because without you, there would be no world. For you. Everyone else would life happily. This guide will be focused on taking pictures of yourself, you vain, snotty brat you. All portraits will be great now! Look professional, educated, and perhaps even respectable!

1. Posture

Posture is everything. There are multiple different postures. YOu’ve got the superman, the thinker, the pedophile, and more. However there are some things you should definitely consider. 1. Always look up. You want to look like a visionary, so you want to look up at sort of a 45 degree angel, and turn your head slightly to the right side, but not too much, raise your eyebrows, and stare. BAM. Perfect head position. Things to note for your body though, place your hands on your hips. What? Do it. Are you doing it? I sure hope not, unless you have access to a computer while taking a photo. Anyhow, then you want your legs to be very straight. You want to look extremely serious. BAM! You now have the perfect posture. Good work, you’ve finished step 1.

2. Facial expressions

Everybody tells you to say crap like cheese or plantain bananas, but don’t give in to that kind of crap. You know what you need? You need a GOOD facial expression. Now what represents a good facial expression? First of all, none of that sissy smiling stuff, that’s for wusses. You want a facial expression that really defines you ,that really shows people that you mean business. That people see they cower in fear because they’re afraid your pure awesomeness is too much for them. Basically, you want a super serious face. Here’s how to go about it. Using the facial  techniques of the last paragraph, you then want to slant your eyebrows inwards so it seems like you are angry. Angry=Serious. Then, you make it so that your mouth isn’t frowning, but you want to tilt both ends of your mouth down a bit so everyone knows you mean business. BAM! You have a perfect, serious face. Another thing to note is that you should probably attempt to wash your face, you know, for once.

3. Dress for the camera

These days dressing well means everything. These days society says that you can’t continue to wear that tattered mix of a bunch of rags on the street knitted that you call clothing. These days you need freaking clothes that you buy from stores. I know! What’s up with that? But seriously, you’re going to have to dress for the part. Colour is everything. More colour=more serious. I have thought of a formula for colours. The more colours you wear, the better, until you reach the point of 17 colours, which is the epitome of colours, after which the amount of awesome your clothing is slowly drops a bit until it reaches the point of lame. Now, another thing to note is that shining, shimmering, glittery, and clothes that are related to that definitely add to awesome points. BAM! You have a wonderful outfit which will make you look much cooler.


God, undoubtedly you’re hideous. So you know what? There’s only one thing you could possibly do. Through all your good posing and stuff, there is one thing you definitely overlooked. Photoshop. Photoshop is great. Now, you know why photoshop is great? Photoshop covers that hideous pimple on your left eyebrow, photoshop makes you look less fat. Photoshop covers up every single blemish that you have.  Which is a ton. A lot of photo places now are offering photo retouch. It might be expensive, but it’s worth it.

5.Pretend to be super tense

Being intense, or showing that you are really tense really shows that you care about what you’re doing. It shows that you have the capability to work REALLY hard. Even if the pohoto is for something casual, like the name of the photo is “John tries not to be tense” you be tense, and go against the rules. That’s right, you’re a freaking REBEL. Being tense is generally accepted in society as someone who works hard and does crap. Yeah. So be tense


Being tense is the key to being awesome. Being awesome is the key to awesome. Rushed post today, but whatever. Stuff goes on in life. Blah blah blah comment.


  1. For relaxing times, make it Suntory time.

    • I love suntory time!

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