Posted by: kiwitoast | February 1, 2010

How to be an Actor

If the last guide didn’t help you on your road to success (although there’s no reason it shouldn’t have. Honestly, it was so straightforward, that you’d have to be a complete dumbass to not be an actor by now), there are many alternatives. Today we’ll be discussing acting, how to be an actor, and how you will never be one how to earn those ninety figure incomes you hear all of the actors earn. You must first come to the realization that being an actor is no easy job. People in movies and the like make it look so easy, but you suck so much that you require a guide made by an amateur blogger.

1. Be hot

The media loves hot people. So you know what you do? You go with the flow. You go hot. You honestly need to be hot to pursue a respectable career in any major job that offers little to no value to society but earns a kajibillion dollars every year. So now you’re wondering, how can a fat disgusting piece of fat being a parasitical creature to the earth supposed to be hot? Well, to be completely honest, no amount of surgery will change what you look like, but you could try taking a shower, you know? Next, lose weight. Can’t? Chop it off. Now, get some clothes that aren’t covered in bodily fluids, and freaking wash them once in a while. Hell, consider using a freaking washing machine! They have those these days, you know? Next, get better teeth. Dentures, whitening strips, paint, whatever it takes for your teeth to be something that someone doesn’t want to turn away from the instant they see you. Ta-Da, you have achieved the rank of “Not-Scum”. Good job, you’ve earned it.

2. Quit any form of schooling you are, and don’t pursue classes

Acting classes are a waste of your money and valuable time that could be invested in practicing for you next peanut butter commercial. School hinders you, and can be summed up with a few quick wikipedia searches. So what do you do? You drop out of school, and never take any instruction for anyone. You need to practice your role as townsperson who is of little use to society for your next role in a bad commercial that airs during Judge _____ shows where only scum like you watch, except they’ve yet to discover the internet. So basically, everything is a waste of your time. Friends, family, cut them all off from your life, you need to be reborn as someone new.

3. Audition for stuff

Now you might be wondering “I have no acting experience at all” well boo-freakin-hoo, nobody cares. Have you seen the stuff they show on commercials most of it could be preformed by a 3 year old who can’t speak. You’ve got to audition for everything you can. Peanut butter commercial? Yes. Female hygiene tool? Do it. New stupid piece of technology that is ultimately a fat $900 piece of expensive, useless, frustrating crap that doesn’t do anything? Why have you not signed up yet? Honestly, auditions are everything. With someone of your caliber, you’ll have to make up what you lack in quality in quantity. EVERYTHING YOU SEE AUDITION. Even if it looks like some shady nigerian email scam, sign up for that crap. To be quite honest, you’re horrible at acting. Anything is better than what you currently have, which is nothing.

4.Get an Agent

Agent’s are ****ing cool. Why? Well first, their name is freaking AGENT. How badass is that? AGENT. So you know what, you know want one. Sure they may be mildly expensive. Sure they may have no agent talent whatsoever, or maybe they’re trying to scam you. But you know what? No one cares. They’re AGENTS. Get one. Perhaps you have a one in a million chance that you actually gets you for some jobs and crap. The biggest part here is though, you can revert back to the fat, disgusting blob you were before until they find you a job, then you’ll have to repeat most of #1, so you’re not as disgusting. Now you’ve got the 2 things someone like you could ever want. An AGENT, and someone to do all your work for you (not like your mom wasn’t doing that before)

5. Teach other people how to act

After a ton of auditions, you most likely have come to the realization that you SUCK at acting. You couldn’t act as a normal townsperson because you were so bad at acting. So the only way to earn money now that you’ve cut off your connections of anything and wasted all your money is to get a job at your local public school that is full of gullible children who think you’re a person with actual credentials. Get a job, earn a extremely small income, and live in an apartment filled with pets who fill the void of loneliness in your dreary existance. Some tips for teaching:

-Don’t seem like a pedophile

-Pretend you’re good

-Be laid back, the children won’t care if you’re a bad teacher or not, they get to get away with whatever crap they come up with.

6. Quit

Honestly, if you’re reading a satirical online blog in actual hopes that you could actually one day become an actor of any caliber, you mind as well quit right now. Your career will go nowhere as a bad, amateur actor. You might think you’re good (especially if you’re a woman), but to be completely honest, I am 99% confident that everyone thinks you suck at acting. And don’t pull the, oh I’m part of the other 1% because you’re NOT. Thank you.


Yes, the road of acting is not for everyone. Some will win, some will lose. Some were born to sing the blues However, if you persevere, you will eventually become one of the most famous actors in the world. You’ll be up there in history, you’ll have your name in Hollywood.  The whole world will revolve around you. If you have any questions or comments on the road of an Actor, please do not hesitate to tell me in the comment section below.


  1. I want to become an actor but I’m afraid I am not hot enough. I work at Culver’s and am exposed to high amounts grease daily from making french frys. I heard that this can make my acne worse – is this true? If so what would you recommend I do to fix this?

    I also am looking to loose at least 40 points. What body part would you recommend I cut off to loose approx. this much weight? I don’t have health insurance but I do auto insurance. Do you know any auto mechanics that would be willing to tend to my wounds after wards? I can spend max $100 for the co-pay.

    Yours truly,
    Shitface Sam

    • Hmm, the grease could pose a problem, and yes, that is true. However, there is something you can do. You just need to put more grease on you! The way I see it, once you get to a certain point, you’re so greasy you’re clean!
      Hm, definitely your head. Like seriously, your head is a freaking parasite, what has it ever done for you? Exactly, it’s useless! It’s also free if you know how to do it

  2. Holy cow! Do you know how to do it?! Please tell me – I will do anything!

    • Well first you take scalding hot oil, the kind in deep fryers, and if you can’t even put it in your hands, you’re a pussy and should not even try being hot, and rub it in your face.

  3. I think this whole acting thing isn’t for me… I must just be the 1%.

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