Posted by: kiwitoast | January 30, 2010

How to be an Artist

Your job sucks. You do nothing but flip patties at a crappy fast food restaurant for less than minimum wage but you’re too much of a wuss to report this to anybody. Your life is void of cash, fame, and hair. You know what you need? You need to be an artist. Quit your day job right now. Did you do it yet? Good. Because you’re about to embark on a marvelous journey. The journey of becoming an artist. You’ll be up there with Van Goh and Warhol, making a huge amount of money when you’re dead. So just sit back, relax, and read this article, because this is how to be an artist.

1.Decide what type of paintings you’d like to do

There are tons. Photography, scenery, drawings of your kittens poop, tons. But it’s hard to chose one that you will really excel at. But really, there are only two choices here. “Modern art” or abstract art. Abstract art while simple to do, makes you look like a dumb donkey, and you’re doing art to escape, so you have to go with Modern Art. Modern art is very special though, because you’ll need to justify it, and etc. In addition, anybody can attempt to create real modern art, but you are going to be different. You’re going to make the art that rules them all, the most modern of modern arts, all those other painters are modern to the second, you’re going to be modern to the NANOSECONDS. That’s how modern your art will be.

2. Paint

This seems like an easy step, because really, it is easy. Well, to be fair, not all art is easy to do, but the art you will be making, Modern Art, will be extremely easy. In fact, you don’t even need to paint. Just take your writing/drawing instrument, and make a bunch of shapes on a piece of paper. BAM! You have modern art. Now you might need some inspiration for your modern art. Look around you. Note the first thing you see and draw some of it, look at another thing, add it on to that, and so on and so forth until you have something that looks terrible good. BAM! Modern art. Now you can add random splashes of colour to represent the coalition in the 13th century or whatever.

3. Make up an outrageous story about your art

Just like in being smart, you must make up an outrageous story for when you attempt to create art. For example, if you draw a green and blue line clashing, you could say this represents the fight for race and sex equality in our everyday society. Modern art is all about justifying what you’ve drawn, so that others will be enlightened on what true talent you actually posses ! It’s a win win situation. You get the respect, they get eye candy. Now if you’ve having a tough time thinking of how to describe it here are some things to get you started.





It’s so easy! In no time, you’ll be creating the most amazing piece of artwork to grace anybodies eyes.

4. Dress like an artist

Despite what some may tell you, drawing is only 20% of the actual work involved in becoming an artist. Most of being an artist depends on how you act and dress. To dress like an artist, you must dress with a bunch of colourful clothes, glittery clothes, aluminum foil on your clothes, whatever it takes for you to seem more “hip” and unique. In fact, you know so much abotu fashion that now you have to critique everybody on what they’re wearing. Even if they’re wearing the same clothing as you, they are COPYING you! This insolence cannot be allowed in the presence of a god (you). Basically you have to pretend you know a lot about clothing when you honestly could not tell the difference between pants and shoes.

5.Be pretentious

Pretentious painters are the best sort of painters. Pretend that your paintings are the best, and if anybody asks if you’ve sold any yet, say no, because nobody realizes how amazing and incredible your paintings are. However, don’t just be pretentious with painters. No, no no no. You’re going to have to go much farther than that. You’re now vegan, only eat the highest quality of everything, only eat organic foods, etc. Tell everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, seriously if you don’t know them tell them, that they are not eating the right foods. Eating meat? God they’re animal killers!   Eating non-organic foods? Those pesticides are going to kill them. Eating pre-sliced bread? Man, that is so bad, so many chemicals, maan.

6. Be a critic

Everyone’s a critic. And so are you! But you’re different from the other critics. If you were a robot you’d be like super criticbot 9001. Tell them that their painting sucks, and how they can improve it because as far as you’re concerned, you’re the more intelligent entity on the earth when it comes to paintings now. Has someone just created a new painting? Explain to them why it sucks. Can’t? Make up some stuff like those two colours don’t match or their brush strokes are too fine/thick. Anything to make it seem like you’re the superior being. And remember, nobody knows anything about art at ALL except for you.

7. Spread the word

Artists need other people to know that they exist. Why? Because I said so. Also, because artists aren’t any good unless people want to buy their paintings. So here’s what you do. Go to everybody that you have contact with. Tell them you’re a new and upcoming artist, and tell them to spread the word. It’s exponential, because then they will continue to tell others until you’re the new Van Goh. Bam! You’re famous


If you’ve followed all these 7 steps, then you should be a super renown artist by now, making ninety figures and sitting in your mansion thanking me for how great I am. If you have anything to say about this, please leave a comment in the comment section.


  1. Yeah and you need a dumbass Beret too. I hate shitty little pointy piece of fabric on top that serves no purpose.

    • Yes I wholeheartedly agree. Being douchey and useless is super important for an artist

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