Posted by: kiwitoast | January 29, 2010

How to be a nicer person

You’re a terrible person. Parents cover their childrens eyes when they see you. You’re just not something people want to be with. Perhaps people shun you, hate you, or just flat out ignore you because you’re a mean person. Why do they do that? Well in theory you should know this already but unless you’re extremely ignorant, YOU ARE NOT NICE. You need to be nice. You need people to appreciate you more. You need people to think you’re a good person. You need to be…


And how? Read this post. Yes, that is a demand. DO IT. ARE YOU DOING IT? GOOD.

1. Pretend to care

Everybody wants somebody to care about what they too. Unfortunately, the opposite can not always be the same. But you know what? You can pretend. To be completely honest, I don’t give a damn whether your cat died or not, but for the sake of being nice, I will pretend to be saddened by this occurrence that has no bearing on my life at all. Caring about other people is one of the most important components of being nice. Although simple, it’s extremely hard to actually give a damn about someone elses life. The only way to go here is pretending to care. Some tips to pretending are

– Nodding your head throughout someone explaining something to you.

-Absorbing as much information about the emotion given and then regurgitating that emotion in the form of facial expressions

-Using phrases like “Ah” “Really?” “No way!” “Ha ha!”. It helps a lot.

In essence, pretending is one of the key components of being nice. Pretend well, be appreciated by others. It just works.

2. Help others

God, this step is terrifying. To be quite honest, who gives a damn if your juice spilled, you clean that crap up. However, society deems this to be a very phallic-like thing to do. So what is your solution here? Help them. I know, that brang chills to me when I said that, but you’re going to have to go great lengths if you wish for others to actually tolerate the presence of your disgusting, lonely existence. So, what should you help people out with?


Driving to work? You have to. Picking up stuff that you didn’t drop? Do it. Threesome? Do I even need to ask? Basically, helping people is another key component to being socially accepted in your group of peers. Not only does helping others with stuff make you seem more like a gratuitous person, but it also makes you seem more of a selfless, awesome person.

3. Don’t be a narcissist

Nobody likes a narcissist. Much less one that is someone like you. However, there is a remedy for this. Don’t be one. Be a selfless, humble person. God I know, it sickens me as much as it sickens you. Seriously, there is no one more important than you in your life, because frankly, you’re the one living it. However, others don’t see things your way. In fact, they see quite the opposite. So you know what? pretend you’re just some useless piece of nothing (which sadly may actually be true). So you know what? Treat others like saints. Gods. Angels who have been sent down to grace you with their lack of intellect and excruciatingly monotonous (man, even the word is monotonous)  stories that you will have to pretend to care about. But you know what? Being nice means being selfless, caring about others more than you care about yourself. Gosh, it’s horrible.

4. Pretend you’re happy

Again with the them of pretending. A major component of niceness is just being happy. Now it’s definitely not easy to be happy all the time. Perhaps you accidentally slept with your friend’s girlfriend and you seem confused. Solution- Smile and pretend you have everything going for you, when really your life sucks because you’ve accomplished nothing during your duration of living. Yep. You can’t fight the facts, but you can change what everybody sees is happening.

5. Be nosy

Not like, I need to know everything type nosy, but more like, hey, whats getting you down? Inside, you  could honestly not give a damn, but for the sake of being nice, you must do this. I know, it kills you to make others think that you genuinely care about what they’re doing, but you know what? MAN IT OUT. Nobody cares about what you think, everybody just cares about their own problem. So the next time you see someone you know with and sort of emotion that would resemble sadness, go over to them, extend your hand and pat them on the back , and tell them it’s all right. Chances are, you’ll seem like a nice person, they’ll feel better, and others will think that you actually care about what goes on in their lives, and you will be the nicest person ever. Nice.


It’s hard to write a non-satirical guide. But recently I took the challenge when one of my colleagues told me to be nicer to them. So while I was at it, mind as well throw some fodder for my blog, right? Right. In conclusion, if you follow these 5 steps you will most likely seem like a much nicer person. And as always(well, as of once) if you have questions, comments, qualms, lip balms, please do not hesitate to ask them in the comments section.


  1. So, pretend and don’t be yourself. Good rules to follow on the Internet!


    • Exactly! Pretending is something that should be practiced everywhere!

  2. I have been told that ” I scare people”. I read your blog and as much as I do not like to do those things, I will try, and see if I become a nicer person. And just for the record, I do not believe I am mean, its just that I cannot stand whiney, wimpy people with no common sence. I am not mean to them, I just don’t care. ‘No I did not notice that you have not been at work for the last 2 weeks, ‘ because I don’t care. That’s my problem.
    But I will try. Thanks

    • Common *sense. Get it right you uncaring little…

    • This just cracks me up because it is so me. I get told that I scare people too, because I tell it like it is and I don’t think anything is wrong with being truthful, but apparently most of society does. So now I will try to follow these rules, it’s a hard one to swallow, we will see. Thanks for making me laugh and showing me that I am not the only one :))

  3. I had to laugh reading this. My co-workers don’t like me, say I’m extremely difficult to work with, am rude, and not a team member. I have never had this problem in my life.
    I’m not a bad person, but I certainly need to work on the #5 suggestions, and will. I won’t describe my coworkers because it may come back to haunt me, but we all know no one is perfect…though they seem to have forgotten this. This is so much fun to write this down. Oh my I have never commented before, this is great…
    No one wants to read this, and I know that, but it is sooo therapeutic.

  4. I have been told stuff like “that was rude” or “Why did you say that he/she didn’t deserve that” and i feel really guilty now and this really is helping. Thanks!

  5. this was helpful but I hate pretending. I guess it had worked because now I have a job and I’m planning some girls birthday party? ugh I’m going to hate helping other people but I’ll guess I’ll have to pretend. thanks.

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