Posted by: kiwitoast | January 28, 2010

How to use Proper Table Manners/Etiquette

Everybody needs to learn their good table manners. Some people are good at it, while some people just suck at it. Maybe people despise you because you are the most unmannerly person they have ever met. Perhaps they think you’re a greasy, disgusting pig. Well look no further than here, because this is the ultimate way to learn simple etiquette. Instantly be a gentleman by taking just a few minutes of your time to read this!

1. Eat first.

Show them all that you’re the alpha male. Be assertive. If you eat first everyone will realize that you are the most important thing at the table right away. Don’t wait for other people to eat first, the instant you sit down pick that fork up and jab your food like there is no tomorrow. Make sure that everybody sees that you are the most important person. They will succumb to your awesome and stare at you in awe. When they tell you not to or give you dirty looks it’s because they know they could never live up to the epic that is you. Good job, you are now the life off the dinner/fooding event.

2. Talk. A lot.
Perhaps this section seems familiar. Now, as you all know, talking makes you a good, social person. But here you want to step it up a bit, you want to be the life of the table. And how do you be the life of the table? That’s correct, you take the role as the talker. Now you might be wondering, wouldn’t talking profusely be annoying to the other guests? OF COURSE NOT! Everybody loves to hear your deep, melodic voice, which moves them to a point where their faces will scrunch up, and even be angry at how you’re so great! Everyone is now jealous at you, and you know what? You owe it all to yourself. And me. Another thing is that you should definitely talk over someone at any point in time that someone else is talking. Talk much louder than them, or just give them a nice “shut up” so that they know their place.
3.Use your hands

Forks? Overrated. Spoons? Done before. Knives? Come on, seriously? No, the most manly of all eating instruments are your HANDS. Your hands are the most important thing in your dinner, and you know what? USE THEM. They are not only efficient, but can get a whole lot more food. In eating, especially a dinner party you always want to be the first to finish so you can stand up scream out “YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH” and urinate on the table. But that’s an expert technique. For now, focus on eating with your hands, quickly and efficiently. In addition, it’s always good to take some stuff from other peoples plates, and just dig your hands into the serving platter/bowl so that the rest of the bowl can be graced with your epic manliness. Nice.

4. Reach for want you want.

People will tell you that it’s better to ask people to pass you the food you want. That can all go to a place where the general consensus between all religons and cultures is that it’s a bad place.  Again with the alpha (fe)male theory. Stand up, reach over with your disgusting, dirty hands, dig your hands into the food and put it RIGHT IN YOUR MOUTH. That is what eating is all about. In fact, if you really want to assert your authority don’t even use your plate, eat straight out of the serving bowl/platter. Your host(ess) will think you’re making them seem so bad they’ll kick you out/make you go away! That is when you know that you are AWESOME. What they don’t realize is that you were the life of the dinner, and now they’ve lost the most vital part in what could have been an extremely fun and entertaining dinner.

5. Tell the host their food sucks.

You can go about doing this 2 ways. The subtle way, and the direct way. The subtle way is an art. For example, taking one bit, dropping your fork and putting as many condiments as possible on your food while making a disgusted face. This will not only give them a sign that their food sucks, but will also help other guests realize how bad the food is, and do it as well so they can enjoy their meal. Now there are many other subtle ways to tell your host(ess) the food sucks, but the best way I’ve found is just as soon as you take one bite scream in agony and pain that their food is horrible, even if it isn’t. This will make their morale go lower so that you can continue to be the most important person at the table. And remember, make sure they get the message. Be very clear.

6. Little things help

There are a lot of little things that can make you seem more of a gentleman. For example, putting your elbows on the table insures that your host realizes you think it’s just like home, which is good. Slurping your soup, noodles, etc. is also good because it shows your intense appreciation towards the food they’ve offered you. Licking your fingers and picking your teeth show how much you love the food, and that you just can’t get enough of it. And remember, just be yourself.


By now you should be the most well mannered person at a table, or anywhere. Just by reading this guide you’ve become the life of any meal, the new host, the alpha male at the table. Just follow these 6 steps next time you’re at any sort of dinner, and you’re on your way to greatness.

If you have and questions, qualms, concerns, or comments, please do not hesitate to post them in the comments sections. They won’t appear because I have to approve them, which is really kind of dumb.


  1. what is this I don’t even

    • An article on table manners, maaan

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