Posted by: kiwitoast | January 27, 2010

How to get a girlfriend

Relationships are everything these days. With family, with friends, but there is one extremely overrated relationship this days: one of “love”.  Gosh, that word just strikes you as something you can never grasp, right? BUT LOOK NO FURTHER! This guide will help you get a girlfriend (and perhaps you can apply some of the skills towards men as well). Now, why the hell would you want one anyway? There are many reasons, the one that matters most is connection with people. People in society think that those with relationships with the opposite sex are extremely important. I do not have clue why, but it is like that.

1. Find what sort of female you’d like

Of course, you can’t be picky. If you’re reading a about this subject, obviously you can’t have high expectations, but there are some qualities you should definitely want.

-The person is alive.

-The person is not insane (Actually, if you play your cards right having an insane partner doesn’t have to be that bad)

Those in theory are all the requirements you actually need, and you might not even need the second one! How great is that? Now you have a whole pool of women that you can fail to form a relationship with! Hooray! How great is that?

2. Do not act confident

People tell you that you need to be confident, and you can just get a girl on the fly, no matter what. However, what they fail to tell you is that this is only applicable to a specific amount of people. Sorry to say, you are 99% likely to not fall into this category. So you know what? You take the “shy and mysterious” persona, and walk around. Pretend you are hiding something in your jacket (if you do not have a trenchcoat, get one, it works better), walk around mysteriously around little children, ladies love guys who like kids .  Remember, your persona is a shy, yet mysterious person who likes kids and looks like they are hiding something in their coat.

3. Be humorous

In layman’s terms, this means funny. But how do you be funny? Glad you asked. Make a joke out of everything you do when you break the speaking barrier. Like “how ’bout that grass eh? that’s weird stuff right there”. BAM! You’re a hilarious guy. Not working? Tell bad jokes. Now you might be wondering, won’t that turn them off? No. Ladies love bad jokes. Now some people will tell you they’re so bad, but retaliate by saying they smell funny. Not only will that assert your authority as the man, but it will also make them realize how wrong they were in saying the joke was bad. Finally, dress funny. Vibrant colours, wigs, queer face paint, whatever you need to make yourself stand out. It makes you seem like a funny person. Yep. Of course.

4. Insult them.

Yes you read that correctly. Insult ’em. I even used ’em in place of “them”, thus proving how vital this step is. Insulting women make them feel insecure. What does an insecure person turn to? Yep, you, possibly the worst choice before is now a great choice. Not only have you proven yourself as an alpha male, but with their self esteem down the drain, you look like the most appealing choice amongst the crowd of great men, who only treat her badly. Now you might be thinking, wait, wont insulting them make me look like a bad guy as well? Yes, and no. Yes, but that’s okay, because as I said before, you’re the alpha male now. It doesn’t matter that you will seem like a dick after she’s sober again, like the rest of the people she dates, but right now she’s drunk and vulnerable, and is an easy target for you “charm” to come in and sweep her off her feet. However, it is also no, because she won’t believe you were the one who insulted her, and if you tell her that, it’ll make you seem better because she’ll believe you’re trying to help another person. Win win.

5. Find the best places to get women.

Not at work, not anybody you know. You want to go to a place where you can strike them dead with your first impression, so that when you’re somewhere along in your relationship, they won’t give a damn that you’re a loser. However, there is still the fact that no woman will like you when they’re sober, so the best places to go are the bars where the women are easy, and the alcohol is strong. Perhaps if you have any “Drink until you die of alcohol poisoning ” events in your area you can pay a visit there. However, if you are reading this and you are under the legal drinking age, do not, under any circumstances drink. You’re likely attending some form of school. Find the women in your school with the lowest standards, and form a relationship with them. They’ll likely be similar to you, and then you can embark on your relationship.

6. If you decide to take a more confident approach, make sure they know you want them

Don’t just be friends (as if you could be even that). Make sure the person you want knows that you lust for them. Maybe even tell them about what you’ll be like together when you’re old and have grandchildren who are as loserish as you are. Tell them your plans for the future together, even though you still haven’t even engaged in your relationship yet, it’s okay if they’re creeped out, that’s just a normal reaction to someone as smooth as you; They don’t want to show that they really want you now, so they pretend. You’re one smooth dude. Write as many love letters, cards, pictures, everything to them, and make sure everyone she is connected with knows that you want her as well. They might even help you, by distancing you guys so her need for you grows even more!

7. Lie.

You’re obviously not what society deems is a decent person, not even acceptable most likely. However, there are some things you can do about this. You can lie. Oh no, but lying is bad! Well, you’re not the most appealing thing ever, and if you want others to want you, you need to lie. Tell them you’re fat because you had to eat a lot from your expedition to the north pole, but you got into a fight with a polar bear, it bit you and injected a powerful venom that causes you to retain your fat no matter what. Tell them you’re actually really smart, and you’ve gotten nobel prizes in cool (and if they don’t believe there’s a section for that,  make a website. Make sure it’s the first thing you get when you google it).  Tell them you’re hands and other body parts are greasy because you just finished shining your harley, but a ninja came and fought you, broke your harley, but you managed to kill him. Lie about almost everything, because as far as they’re concerned, almost every part of you is disgusting and undesirable. There’s only 1 solution to this, and it’s to lie.


Hopefully this guide helped you attain a relationship with a member of the opposite sex, and maybe you even kept it for a whole 24 hours! Good job! Just remember all these 7 rules (even though many contradict the others) and you’ll be well off on your way to finding true love, or just enough that you can satisfy societies standards. You’ll woo the hearts of everyone, everyone will respect you! Friends and family will be surprised you could actually find a girlfriend! Good job! You deserve it!


  1. I’ve tried all these before and none of them seem to work. In fact most of them have led to multiple restraining orders or getting my ass kicked by the girl’s bigger stronger male friend, who I assume has passionate sex with the girl immediately having having beat me up. Hell they probably do it right next to my unconscious body.

    I must not be doing it right. I’ll read this over again, making sure to take notes, and then I’ll try my luck.

    • Humm, that’s strange, I can’t fathom why all of these would fail for you, much less get you a restraining order. One thing you could try is to not go for the girls who are already in relationships, studies have shown that the success rate is much lower for those. With enough practice and skill though, I’m sure you could be one of those people having passionate sex next to someone else’s unconcious body!

  2. Dig the (visual) site theme, kiwitoast!

    • Lol, I just got it from the preset ones >_> But thanks 😀

  3. This is great stuff! If more guys would follow this great advise, then maybe there would be more girls available for guys like me! 🙄

    • Thanks! I have the same feelings! Perhaps in a perfect world most men will follow this advice

      • If only! I met a local lady online the other day, and I thought this post would be a funny “ice breaker” to email her about. But before I could write it, I got one from her saying she’d decided to hook up with another guy she met online. Obviously, my “technique” still needs a little work! And we need to get your message out to the competition more quickly! 🙄

      • Aha! I think what you need to be is a little more ruthless! Never take no as an answer (well, there are limits, but you know)! Strike quickly and swiftly! Spread this to all your competition and perhaps you will have more of a chance!

      • I just made a comment over on my Assertiveness… What’s That? post that seems to fit here as well: “The difference between assertive guys and aggressive guys is that the assertive guy can hope that making his case will win the girl, whereas the aggressive guy can only hope for parole!”

      • Haha, I can definitely see your point there, and I wholeheartedly agree >_>
        Stupid double standards

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