Posted by: kiwitoast | January 17, 2011

What up, dogs

Usually I create blogs and then don’t keep them around for very long at all. Sometimes I revisit them and then leave again. In this case, I revisited this blog several times, but never really used it for a while.

Now, I’m going to make a little change to the site. Instead of all of these how to guides, Im going to write all sorts of articles(of course, a how to when i find the time between exams and the like).

Anyway, look forward to more posts to come

Posted by: kiwitoast | February 28, 2010

How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse in Wal-Mart

Disclaimer: This is my personal strategy, and by no means is it the best one. In addition, this guide will assume the Wal-Mart of choice is a Wal-Mart Supercenter, you know, the one with all the food and stuff and foodstuffs. In addition, this assumes the zombies are fast but fragile.

Everybody knows that everybody dies in 2012. But why? Because of a zombie apocalypse. Everybody in in the understanding that we all die in 2012 because of zombies. However, there is hope in this dimly-lit tunnel. Where? Wal-Mart Supercenter. This is the best place to be when the dead walk again, and why? There are tons of foods, supplies, clothing, entertainment, etc etc etc etc etc.

1. Seclude an area in the wal mart

There are various areas in Wal-Mart supercenter that you could transport all of your things to. However, some stores specialize in some things more than others. The easy way to go is just to move all your televisions, computers, refrigerators, clothes, etc to the food section, for the sole reason that eating is incredibly important. However, another section that you should consider is the gardening section. Farming will get extremely important when all the food you have currently spoils, if the apocalypse lasts that long, but in my opinion, you should always prepare for the worst case scenario. After you’ve decided on a place, move all your food, supplies, kitchen appliances and etc.

2. Barricade your section

Now you need to barricade your secluded area. Depending on your Wal-Mart, you may or may not have a section for wood and all that jazz or a hardware store close by. If you do, you’re in luck. However, for the less fortunate we’re going to have to find some stuff to barricade. The metal from the clothing sections might work, as well as other places, and you may be able to break down some walls to get some wood to barricade. Whatever you do, make sure it’s sturdy. Both shambling and fast zombies will be able to break down walls that aren’t very well reinforced, but if you make it strong enough, shamblers will only be able to break it little by little for the rest of your life, or fast zombies will eventually tire.

3. Freeze Food

Againl preparing for the long run is what you should be doing, unless you’re lazy, and I know you are. However, for the non-existent population of lazy people, this is going to take a lot of work. You’ll need to put food in ziploc bags, suck all the air out of them, and then freeze them. This way, the food with last longer.  This step will take much less time if you’ve chosen the food section as your safe area in wal-mart, but it’s still up to you whether you think you can take the challenge of carrying food long distances.

4. Grow food

Wal-Mart has a gardening section, and as such, you should use it to grow your own food. Your frozen food might not last all to long, if the apocalypse goes on long enough, and you need a back up plan. In this case the backup plan is to grow your own food. Not only is it healthier, it’s organic, and it tastes good? Now hopefully you have someone who knows how to garden, otherwise your screwed. You should begin by finding enough soil to grow a crop of vegetables, and then plant the seeds. Yup. That’s it.

4. Look for guns

Your gun count will change from place to place, for example, in Canada, you’re lucky to be able to get a BB gun and maybe a hunting rifle. However, you may find more luck in areas in the US. Basically, you need to find as many guns, assemble as many guns, craft as many guns, whatever. Guns are important. What are you going to do if a zombie breaks through and you don’t have any weapons? Die, that’s what you’re going to do. Find guns, use guns, live.

5. Find Melee Weapons

Now, guns won’t last you the entire time. Or they will, but you’ll run out of ammo. Or they jam. Whatever the case, you need melee weapons. Now, melee weapons can be fun as well. You’ve got lawn mowers, chainsaws, play light sabers, pieces of wood. Whatever. You just need something to fend off the hordes when they’re about to dig in to your intestines and squeeze the remnants of your last supper into their eyes. Chainsaws and lawnmowers or anything that makes a loud sound for that matter will likely attract the hordes, so watch out for that.

6. Work out

Yes, even with your guns and melee weapons, you still need to rely on what your deity gave you. Your body. Now, not only do you need to build strength to be able to use the melee weapons more efficiently, you’ll be needing to do a lot of Cardio. If you’ve seen zombieland, you know that cardio is the first rule.  In addition, you might want to work on your metaphorical guns in case you don’t have a melee weapon at hand. However, even if you have one, you still need to be able to use them, as i said before.

7. Live

You basically just want to not die. I mean in theory you could kill yourself if you were depressed that your life is now void of anything except for surviving through the hordes of zombies. Just eat, kill if they come it, barricade, connect with other survivors in the area, etc. Whatever the case, just make sure you survive.

8. Procreate

Now I know this seems a bit threatening to you couch potatoes, because likely you’ve never done it before except for with your hand. However, hopefully theres someone more attractive than you who can procreate with someone who’s obviously way out of your league. But just remember, you may be the person who has to do it some time, so watch out for that.

Conclusion

In conclusion, these are the steps I would take to survive inside a Wal-Mart. It’s not all fun and games, living in an imaginary zombie apocalypse. Actually to be honest it seems like it would be pretty awesome, but that’s beside the point. So remember, next time theres a zombie apocalypse, head to your nearest Wal-Mart supercenter.

Posted by: kiwitoast | February 23, 2010

How to write an apology post for your fans

We’ve all had a hiatus from anything. People come and people go. However, sometimes people just need a break to  contemplate the finer points in life. The world, the state of the economy, how stupid the scene in knowing was where that moose ran in slow motion, on fire. Whatever a case, you’ve got fans waiting for you, and you can’t disappoint them. So you know what you do? You write an apology!

1. Start off with a big fat sorry

No I don’t mean big and fat in the sense that you should make it bold, and make the font larger, although it does help. What you want here is to address your huge lack of competence, or incompetence, if you will. This grabs the readers attention so that you can continue to write something that you think is funny. In addition, add some stupid justification so your readers don’t feel like there are more important things than them, because everyone is as vain as a (simile).

Ex: Hey guys, I’m really sorry that I couldn’t have been around lately. I’ve just been really swamped with work recently and i just got The Sims 3. Honestly, it’s just so fun to get two women kissing in about 5 minutes. Makes me really reflect in the endless void of lack of relationships in my life. Blah blah blah, profound thing about the reflection of my teardrops which displays a mirage of emotion blah blah blah I’m really sorry blah blah blah.

2. Give some further explaining, then tell your audience that they’re the most important thing

Again, vanity is the most important thing in everyone. They say they don’t have any, but everyone has some sort of underlying obsession with themselves. However, before you compliment them you have to explain that you’ve had things to do so you can further justify that you would much rather have been writing posts for them on your mediocre blog that averages 3 hits a day, mostly because of an image from google.

Ex: Seriously, I’ve had tons of work. I have things to do in my leisure hours now, and that cuts off the time i can do things. Plus, I’ve had to play Sims 3 a lot. It’s a tough job, but somebodies got to do it. In addition, i watched some corner gas over again, and am grieving all over again over the end of it, but perhaps hiccups and Dan for mayor will remedy it. And, although I’ve had the time, I really didn’t have the inspiration. The blog so far has been a ton of posts that I thought of and was like, I want to write about this, but you know, some things take time to think about, so I’ve had to take a hiatus. Now, I know I let you down. You lack of people are my life! Like honestly, I don’t know what I’d do without you. So thanks, if you’re reading this.

3. Give a little story on what’s been happening lately, or some new material

You can’t just close off now, people come to your blog to find an apology? What? Exactly. This is why you need to give your audience a punch of material. Now if you do some sort of life blog, write about your life and nobody will care. If your blog is themed, say about cooking, grace them with a recipe you’ve discovered. If it’s a self help blog, write a self help article!

Ex: Read this post

4. Thank your readers for sticking with you

Your readers are why you write this blog. Unless you write it for yourself, in which case you’re better off just using a word document to write about your life. However, if you have a normal blog like normal people, write an apology for them. Tell them that’s you love it that they stuck with you through the hard and the rough. The thick and the thin. The first metaphor that didn’t really make sense and that I am realizing now.

Ex: You guys are so great, I really can’t believe you’re still reading. Unless you’re not, then whatever. But seriously, I’m so glad i still have readers to read my lack of a blog. I mean, it’s awful, but you guys make it all worth it. Blah blah blah other stupid pretending to care crap blah blah blah talk about the state of matter blah blah blah.

5. Close off

Now your apology is just about done, again you have to apologize, tell them a little joke, and really stress how much they mean to you.

Ex: Well, that’s all for now, but really, sorry so much, I mean, it’s not hard playing the Sims 3. And again, I’m really glad you guys are still here for me

Conclusion

In conclusion, apology letters are something that everyone should use. It not only bolsters the amount of posts you’ve made, but it also helps your audience know that you can pretend to care about them. Now get out there and screw someone over, and apologize!

Posted by: kiwitoast | February 5, 2010

How to form a religion

Religion is everything these days. You’ve got the Christians, Buddhists, Hindus, Scientologists, and more. But what is religion? Religion is belief. Anybody can create a religion, but nobody can make a good religion. It’s fine that your skills in religion making are bar none, because I’m here to help. Religion is a difficult thing to grasp, and if you don’t grasp it well, you may be grasping yourself into an argument with someone religious. However, there is also athiesm, which is a way for teenagers to show their individuality, and agnosticism, for indecisive cuss words. Reading this article will give you a good grasp on how to form a basic religion.

1. Create a deity.

Deities are everything in religious. Yes, I am aware of those religions who do not like deities. They’re special. However, if you want to create a religion that everyone will respect, you need a deity. I would create a flow chart but that requires effort, and I decided if I were to create an article on something that requires barely any effort,  I shouldn’t go through the trouble so you 12 year olds who think you’re original and want to create a religion can have visual understanding. You first need to decide how many deities you will have. 1 is the basic religion structure, but others go to like, 90. There is however, a balance between how much effort you put into something, and how awesome it is. However, effort is for losers. So what I would suggest, is a deity of any sex, a colour that includes green, blue, orange, or a mix of them, and wings. Wings are badass, so you require wings in any respectable deity you create. In essence, the deity you decide to create will be the thing everyone prays to.

2. Create a symbol

Every good religion has a symbol. Something people will see and say “Yep, that’s ______”. Something that will stand out of the crowd of religions, something new. How do you create a respectable symbol though? Yes, symbol making can be extremely difficult, however, with the right mindset you can create a symbol. Now, step one is to think of what your religion represents. Enlightenment? Death? Cynicism? Whatever it is, put a small picture that accurately depicts what that is, and put it as the background. The foreground is the hardest, the way I see it, you have multiple choices. You can either put your deity itself, but that’s dumb. Alternatively you could put some random design and justify it later, for example, a few squares or circles or lines or hexagons or whatever. It doesn’t even have to be geometric, it could be a assortment of wavy lines. When you have combined those two you should have made a good symbol for your religion.

3. Name your religion

How could I forget the most vital part of all religions? THE NAME! Every religion requires a name, whether it’s good or bad. First of all, you need to think of a random jumble of letters. It’s really simple, you can just mash letters on your keyboard to achieve something to the extent of nwigoa. Now that we have Nwigoa, you need to add -ism to it, and voila! We now have a new religion that goes by the name of Nwigoaism. The followers in turn will be Nwigoasts. Don’t you see how easy it is just to make a simple religion name? It’s as easy ans bashing your hand on the keyboard and adding a dumb prefix that people automatically associate with offensiveness or religion.

4. Create a backstory

Every religion has meaning. But yours doesn’t! This is horrible, because every religion has to have some sort of deeper meaning or path to self excellence. So what do you base your religion about? Well, first look around you. Spot the first thing you see, and try to analyze the true meaning within that, and project that onto your religion. For example

I spot a coca-cola can, which on the outside is the projection of a thousand shattered soul with one white line, the inside represents the deaths of a million people and only by drinking them they can be freed again in the form of a yellow liquid, which represents the sun in our life.

That example would mean that the religion was based on the ideology that you could eat someone and they would be free. Simple enough right? Right.

5. Find followers

It’s hard to find followers for your religion, but with practice, you can create a whole myriad of followers and supporters for your religion. There are many ways to get followers, first is to network. Talk to people, give them your business card, tell them how great your religion is. There’s only one problem with this method. It’s a religion. Second is propaganda. This is a very direct method. Works well. Finally, there’s the only way that would actually work for someone like you and is go to a bar with a bunch of drunk people who are so impaired they can’t tell the difference between an eggplant and the tooth fairy, and get them to join your group. This is step 1 of 2, next is to squeeze out information that they don’t want you to know, so that when they’re sober, you can pin that information on them, and voila! You have followers.

Conclusion

I hope this guide has helped you on the road to creating a religion. Hopefully in the future we’ll live in a utopia where everyone has their own religion and everyone follows everyone.

On second thought, that would be horrible.


Posted by: kiwitoast | February 3, 2010

How to take a photo

We all have photos. Grad photos, vacation photos, baby photos, photo of you and your girlfriend who you’ve been going out with for 2 days and required proof to you friends photos. There is one photo that matters the most though, and it’s photos of yourself. You are the most important thing in your world because without you, there would be no world. For you. Everyone else would life happily. This guide will be focused on taking pictures of yourself, you vain, snotty brat you. All portraits will be great now! Look professional, educated, and perhaps even respectable!

1. Posture

Posture is everything. There are multiple different postures. YOu’ve got the superman, the thinker, the pedophile, and more. However there are some things you should definitely consider. 1. Always look up. You want to look like a visionary, so you want to look up at sort of a 45 degree angel, and turn your head slightly to the right side, but not too much, raise your eyebrows, and stare. BAM. Perfect head position. Things to note for your body though, place your hands on your hips. What? Do it. Are you doing it? I sure hope not, unless you have access to a computer while taking a photo. Anyhow, then you want your legs to be very straight. You want to look extremely serious. BAM! You now have the perfect posture. Good work, you’ve finished step 1.

2. Facial expressions

Everybody tells you to say crap like cheese or plantain bananas, but don’t give in to that kind of crap. You know what you need? You need a GOOD facial expression. Now what represents a good facial expression? First of all, none of that sissy smiling stuff, that’s for wusses. You want a facial expression that really defines you ,that really shows people that you mean business. That people see they cower in fear because they’re afraid your pure awesomeness is too much for them. Basically, you want a super serious face. Here’s how to go about it. Using the facial  techniques of the last paragraph, you then want to slant your eyebrows inwards so it seems like you are angry. Angry=Serious. Then, you make it so that your mouth isn’t frowning, but you want to tilt both ends of your mouth down a bit so everyone knows you mean business. BAM! You have a perfect, serious face. Another thing to note is that you should probably attempt to wash your face, you know, for once.

3. Dress for the camera

These days dressing well means everything. These days society says that you can’t continue to wear that tattered mix of a bunch of rags on the street knitted that you call clothing. These days you need freaking clothes that you buy from stores. I know! What’s up with that? But seriously, you’re going to have to dress for the part. Colour is everything. More colour=more serious. I have thought of a formula for colours. The more colours you wear, the better, until you reach the point of 17 colours, which is the epitome of colours, after which the amount of awesome your clothing is slowly drops a bit until it reaches the point of lame. Now, another thing to note is that shining, shimmering, glittery, and clothes that are related to that definitely add to awesome points. BAM! You have a wonderful outfit which will make you look much cooler.

4.Photoshop

God, undoubtedly you’re hideous. So you know what? There’s only one thing you could possibly do. Through all your good posing and stuff, there is one thing you definitely overlooked. Photoshop. Photoshop is great. Now, you know why photoshop is great? Photoshop covers that hideous pimple on your left eyebrow, photoshop makes you look less fat. Photoshop covers up every single blemish that you have.  Which is a ton. A lot of photo places now are offering photo retouch. It might be expensive, but it’s worth it.

5.Pretend to be super tense

Being intense, or showing that you are really tense really shows that you care about what you’re doing. It shows that you have the capability to work REALLY hard. Even if the pohoto is for something casual, like the name of the photo is “John tries not to be tense” you be tense, and go against the rules. That’s right, you’re a freaking REBEL. Being tense is generally accepted in society as someone who works hard and does crap. Yeah. So be tense

Conclusion

Being tense is the key to being awesome. Being awesome is the key to awesome. Rushed post today, but whatever. Stuff goes on in life. Blah blah blah comment.

Posted by: kiwitoast | February 1, 2010

How to be an Actor

If the last guide didn’t help you on your road to success (although there’s no reason it shouldn’t have. Honestly, it was so straightforward, that you’d have to be a complete dumbass to not be an actor by now), there are many alternatives. Today we’ll be discussing acting, how to be an actor, and how you will never be one how to earn those ninety figure incomes you hear all of the actors earn. You must first come to the realization that being an actor is no easy job. People in movies and the like make it look so easy, but you suck so much that you require a guide made by an amateur blogger.

1. Be hot

The media loves hot people. So you know what you do? You go with the flow. You go hot. You honestly need to be hot to pursue a respectable career in any major job that offers little to no value to society but earns a kajibillion dollars every year. So now you’re wondering, how can a fat disgusting piece of fat being a parasitical creature to the earth supposed to be hot? Well, to be completely honest, no amount of surgery will change what you look like, but you could try taking a shower, you know? Next, lose weight. Can’t? Chop it off. Now, get some clothes that aren’t covered in bodily fluids, and freaking wash them once in a while. Hell, consider using a freaking washing machine! They have those these days, you know? Next, get better teeth. Dentures, whitening strips, paint, whatever it takes for your teeth to be something that someone doesn’t want to turn away from the instant they see you. Ta-Da, you have achieved the rank of “Not-Scum”. Good job, you’ve earned it.

2. Quit any form of schooling you are, and don’t pursue classes

Acting classes are a waste of your money and valuable time that could be invested in practicing for you next peanut butter commercial. School hinders you, and can be summed up with a few quick wikipedia searches. So what do you do? You drop out of school, and never take any instruction for anyone. You need to practice your role as townsperson who is of little use to society for your next role in a bad commercial that airs during Judge _____ shows where only scum like you watch, except they’ve yet to discover the internet. So basically, everything is a waste of your time. Friends, family, cut them all off from your life, you need to be reborn as someone new.

3. Audition for stuff

Now you might be wondering “I have no acting experience at all” well boo-freakin-hoo, nobody cares. Have you seen the stuff they show on commercials most of it could be preformed by a 3 year old who can’t speak. You’ve got to audition for everything you can. Peanut butter commercial? Yes. Female hygiene tool? Do it. New stupid piece of technology that is ultimately a fat $900 piece of expensive, useless, frustrating crap that doesn’t do anything? Why have you not signed up yet? Honestly, auditions are everything. With someone of your caliber, you’ll have to make up what you lack in quality in quantity. EVERYTHING YOU SEE AUDITION. Even if it looks like some shady nigerian email scam, sign up for that crap. To be quite honest, you’re horrible at acting. Anything is better than what you currently have, which is nothing.

4.Get an Agent

Agent’s are ****ing cool. Why? Well first, their name is freaking AGENT. How badass is that? AGENT. So you know what, you know want one. Sure they may be mildly expensive. Sure they may have no agent talent whatsoever, or maybe they’re trying to scam you. But you know what? No one cares. They’re AGENTS. Get one. Perhaps you have a one in a million chance that you actually gets you for some jobs and crap. The biggest part here is though, you can revert back to the fat, disgusting blob you were before until they find you a job, then you’ll have to repeat most of #1, so you’re not as disgusting. Now you’ve got the 2 things someone like you could ever want. An AGENT, and someone to do all your work for you (not like your mom wasn’t doing that before)

5. Teach other people how to act

After a ton of auditions, you most likely have come to the realization that you SUCK at acting. You couldn’t act as a normal townsperson because you were so bad at acting. So the only way to earn money now that you’ve cut off your connections of anything and wasted all your money is to get a job at your local public school that is full of gullible children who think you’re a person with actual credentials. Get a job, earn a extremely small income, and live in an apartment filled with pets who fill the void of loneliness in your dreary existance. Some tips for teaching:

-Don’t seem like a pedophile

-Pretend you’re good

-Be laid back, the children won’t care if you’re a bad teacher or not, they get to get away with whatever crap they come up with.

6. Quit

Honestly, if you’re reading a satirical online blog in actual hopes that you could actually one day become an actor of any caliber, you mind as well quit right now. Your career will go nowhere as a bad, amateur actor. You might think you’re good (especially if you’re a woman), but to be completely honest, I am 99% confident that everyone thinks you suck at acting. And don’t pull the, oh I’m part of the other 1% because you’re NOT. Thank you.

Conclusion

Yes, the road of acting is not for everyone. Some will win, some will lose. Some were born to sing the blues However, if you persevere, you will eventually become one of the most famous actors in the world. You’ll be up there in history, you’ll have your name in Hollywood.  The whole world will revolve around you. If you have any questions or comments on the road of an Actor, please do not hesitate to tell me in the comment section below.

Posted by: kiwitoast | January 30, 2010

How to be an Artist

Your job sucks. You do nothing but flip patties at a crappy fast food restaurant for less than minimum wage but you’re too much of a wuss to report this to anybody. Your life is void of cash, fame, and hair. You know what you need? You need to be an artist. Quit your day job right now. Did you do it yet? Good. Because you’re about to embark on a marvelous journey. The journey of becoming an artist. You’ll be up there with Van Goh and Warhol, making a huge amount of money when you’re dead. So just sit back, relax, and read this article, because this is how to be an artist.

1.Decide what type of paintings you’d like to do

There are tons. Photography, scenery, drawings of your kittens poop, tons. But it’s hard to chose one that you will really excel at. But really, there are only two choices here. “Modern art” or abstract art. Abstract art while simple to do, makes you look like a dumb donkey, and you’re doing art to escape, so you have to go with Modern Art. Modern art is very special though, because you’ll need to justify it, and etc. In addition, anybody can attempt to create real modern art, but you are going to be different. You’re going to make the art that rules them all, the most modern of modern arts, all those other painters are modern to the second, you’re going to be modern to the NANOSECONDS. That’s how modern your art will be.

2. Paint

This seems like an easy step, because really, it is easy. Well, to be fair, not all art is easy to do, but the art you will be making, Modern Art, will be extremely easy. In fact, you don’t even need to paint. Just take your writing/drawing instrument, and make a bunch of shapes on a piece of paper. BAM! You have modern art. Now you might need some inspiration for your modern art. Look around you. Note the first thing you see and draw some of it, look at another thing, add it on to that, and so on and so forth until you have something that looks terrible good. BAM! Modern art. Now you can add random splashes of colour to represent the coalition in the 13th century or whatever.

3. Make up an outrageous story about your art

Just like in being smart, you must make up an outrageous story for when you attempt to create art. For example, if you draw a green and blue line clashing, you could say this represents the fight for race and sex equality in our everyday society. Modern art is all about justifying what you’ve drawn, so that others will be enlightened on what true talent you actually posses ! It’s a win win situation. You get the respect, they get eye candy. Now if you’ve having a tough time thinking of how to describe it here are some things to get you started.

-Gender

-Race

-Minorities

-Politics

It’s so easy! In no time, you’ll be creating the most amazing piece of artwork to grace anybodies eyes.

4. Dress like an artist

Despite what some may tell you, drawing is only 20% of the actual work involved in becoming an artist. Most of being an artist depends on how you act and dress. To dress like an artist, you must dress with a bunch of colourful clothes, glittery clothes, aluminum foil on your clothes, whatever it takes for you to seem more “hip” and unique. In fact, you know so much abotu fashion that now you have to critique everybody on what they’re wearing. Even if they’re wearing the same clothing as you, they are COPYING you! This insolence cannot be allowed in the presence of a god (you). Basically you have to pretend you know a lot about clothing when you honestly could not tell the difference between pants and shoes.

5.Be pretentious

Pretentious painters are the best sort of painters. Pretend that your paintings are the best, and if anybody asks if you’ve sold any yet, say no, because nobody realizes how amazing and incredible your paintings are. However, don’t just be pretentious with painters. No, no no no. You’re going to have to go much farther than that. You’re now vegan, only eat the highest quality of everything, only eat organic foods, etc. Tell everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, seriously if you don’t know them tell them, that they are not eating the right foods. Eating meat? God they’re animal killers!   Eating non-organic foods? Those pesticides are going to kill them. Eating pre-sliced bread? Man, that is so bad, so many chemicals, maan.

6. Be a critic

Everyone’s a critic. And so are you! But you’re different from the other critics. If you were a robot you’d be like super criticbot 9001. Tell them that their painting sucks, and how they can improve it because as far as you’re concerned, you’re the more intelligent entity on the earth when it comes to paintings now. Has someone just created a new painting? Explain to them why it sucks. Can’t? Make up some stuff like those two colours don’t match or their brush strokes are too fine/thick. Anything to make it seem like you’re the superior being. And remember, nobody knows anything about art at ALL except for you.

7. Spread the word

Artists need other people to know that they exist. Why? Because I said so. Also, because artists aren’t any good unless people want to buy their paintings. So here’s what you do. Go to everybody that you have contact with. Tell them you’re a new and upcoming artist, and tell them to spread the word. It’s exponential, because then they will continue to tell others until you’re the new Van Goh. Bam! You’re famous

Conclusion

If you’ve followed all these 7 steps, then you should be a super renown artist by now, making ninety figures and sitting in your mansion thanking me for how great I am. If you have anything to say about this, please leave a comment in the comment section.

Posted by: kiwitoast | January 29, 2010

How to be a nicer person

You’re a terrible person. Parents cover their childrens eyes when they see you. You’re just not something people want to be with. Perhaps people shun you, hate you, or just flat out ignore you because you’re a mean person. Why do they do that? Well in theory you should know this already but unless you’re extremely ignorant, YOU ARE NOT NICE. You need to be nice. You need people to appreciate you more. You need people to think you’re a good person. You need to be…

Nice.

And how? Read this post. Yes, that is a demand. DO IT. ARE YOU DOING IT? GOOD.

1. Pretend to care

Everybody wants somebody to care about what they too. Unfortunately, the opposite can not always be the same. But you know what? You can pretend. To be completely honest, I don’t give a damn whether your cat died or not, but for the sake of being nice, I will pretend to be saddened by this occurrence that has no bearing on my life at all. Caring about other people is one of the most important components of being nice. Although simple, it’s extremely hard to actually give a damn about someone elses life. The only way to go here is pretending to care. Some tips to pretending are

- Nodding your head throughout someone explaining something to you.

-Absorbing as much information about the emotion given and then regurgitating that emotion in the form of facial expressions

-Using phrases like “Ah” “Really?” “No way!” “Ha ha!”. It helps a lot.

In essence, pretending is one of the key components of being nice. Pretend well, be appreciated by others. It just works.

2. Help others

God, this step is terrifying. To be quite honest, who gives a damn if your juice spilled, you clean that crap up. However, society deems this to be a very phallic-like thing to do. So what is your solution here? Help them. I know, that brang chills to me when I said that, but you’re going to have to go great lengths if you wish for others to actually tolerate the presence of your disgusting, lonely existence. So, what should you help people out with?

EVERYTHING.

Driving to work? You have to. Picking up stuff that you didn’t drop? Do it. Threesome? Do I even need to ask? Basically, helping people is another key component to being socially accepted in your group of peers. Not only does helping others with stuff make you seem more like a gratuitous person, but it also makes you seem more of a selfless, awesome person.

3. Don’t be a narcissist

Nobody likes a narcissist. Much less one that is someone like you. However, there is a remedy for this. Don’t be one. Be a selfless, humble person. God I know, it sickens me as much as it sickens you. Seriously, there is no one more important than you in your life, because frankly, you’re the one living it. However, others don’t see things your way. In fact, they see quite the opposite. So you know what? pretend you’re just some useless piece of nothing (which sadly may actually be true). So you know what? Treat others like saints. Gods. Angels who have been sent down to grace you with their lack of intellect and excruciatingly monotonous (man, even the word is monotonous)  stories that you will have to pretend to care about. But you know what? Being nice means being selfless, caring about others more than you care about yourself. Gosh, it’s horrible.

4. Pretend you’re happy

Again with the them of pretending. A major component of niceness is just being happy. Now it’s definitely not easy to be happy all the time. Perhaps you accidentally slept with your friend’s girlfriend and you seem confused. Solution- Smile and pretend you have everything going for you, when really your life sucks because you’ve accomplished nothing during your duration of living. Yep. You can’t fight the facts, but you can change what everybody sees is happening.

5. Be nosy

Not like, I need to know everything type nosy, but more like, hey, whats getting you down? Inside, you  could honestly not give a damn, but for the sake of being nice, you must do this. I know, it kills you to make others think that you genuinely care about what they’re doing, but you know what? MAN IT OUT. Nobody cares about what you think, everybody just cares about their own problem. So the next time you see someone you know with and sort of emotion that would resemble sadness, go over to them, extend your hand and pat them on the back , and tell them it’s all right. Chances are, you’ll seem like a nice person, they’ll feel better, and others will think that you actually care about what goes on in their lives, and you will be the nicest person ever. Nice.

Conclusion

It’s hard to write a non-satirical guide. But recently I took the challenge when one of my colleagues told me to be nicer to them. So while I was at it, mind as well throw some fodder for my blog, right? Right. In conclusion, if you follow these 5 steps you will most likely seem like a much nicer person. And as always(well, as of once) if you have questions, comments, qualms, lip balms, please do not hesitate to ask them in the comments section.

Posted by: kiwitoast | January 28, 2010

How to use Proper Table Manners/Etiquette

Everybody needs to learn their good table manners. Some people are good at it, while some people just suck at it. Maybe people despise you because you are the most unmannerly person they have ever met. Perhaps they think you’re a greasy, disgusting pig. Well look no further than here, because this is the ultimate way to learn simple etiquette. Instantly be a gentleman by taking just a few minutes of your time to read this!

1. Eat first.

Show them all that you’re the alpha male. Be assertive. If you eat first everyone will realize that you are the most important thing at the table right away. Don’t wait for other people to eat first, the instant you sit down pick that fork up and jab your food like there is no tomorrow. Make sure that everybody sees that you are the most important person. They will succumb to your awesome and stare at you in awe. When they tell you not to or give you dirty looks it’s because they know they could never live up to the epic that is you. Good job, you are now the life off the dinner/fooding event.

2. Talk. A lot.
Perhaps this section seems familiar. Now, as you all know, talking makes you a good, social person. But here you want to step it up a bit, you want to be the life of the table. And how do you be the life of the table? That’s correct, you take the role as the talker. Now you might be wondering, wouldn’t talking profusely be annoying to the other guests? OF COURSE NOT! Everybody loves to hear your deep, melodic voice, which moves them to a point where their faces will scrunch up, and even be angry at how you’re so great! Everyone is now jealous at you, and you know what? You owe it all to yourself. And me. Another thing is that you should definitely talk over someone at any point in time that someone else is talking. Talk much louder than them, or just give them a nice “shut up” so that they know their place.
3.Use your hands

Forks? Overrated. Spoons? Done before. Knives? Come on, seriously? No, the most manly of all eating instruments are your HANDS. Your hands are the most important thing in your dinner, and you know what? USE THEM. They are not only efficient, but can get a whole lot more food. In eating, especially a dinner party you always want to be the first to finish so you can stand up scream out “YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH” and urinate on the table. But that’s an expert technique. For now, focus on eating with your hands, quickly and efficiently. In addition, it’s always good to take some stuff from other peoples plates, and just dig your hands into the serving platter/bowl so that the rest of the bowl can be graced with your epic manliness. Nice.

4. Reach for want you want.

People will tell you that it’s better to ask people to pass you the food you want. That can all go to a place where the general consensus between all religons and cultures is that it’s a bad place.  Again with the alpha (fe)male theory. Stand up, reach over with your disgusting, dirty hands, dig your hands into the food and put it RIGHT IN YOUR MOUTH. That is what eating is all about. In fact, if you really want to assert your authority don’t even use your plate, eat straight out of the serving bowl/platter. Your host(ess) will think you’re making them seem so bad they’ll kick you out/make you go away! That is when you know that you are AWESOME. What they don’t realize is that you were the life of the dinner, and now they’ve lost the most vital part in what could have been an extremely fun and entertaining dinner.

5. Tell the host their food sucks.

You can go about doing this 2 ways. The subtle way, and the direct way. The subtle way is an art. For example, taking one bit, dropping your fork and putting as many condiments as possible on your food while making a disgusted face. This will not only give them a sign that their food sucks, but will also help other guests realize how bad the food is, and do it as well so they can enjoy their meal. Now there are many other subtle ways to tell your host(ess) the food sucks, but the best way I’ve found is just as soon as you take one bite scream in agony and pain that their food is horrible, even if it isn’t. This will make their morale go lower so that you can continue to be the most important person at the table. And remember, make sure they get the message. Be very clear.

6. Little things help

There are a lot of little things that can make you seem more of a gentleman. For example, putting your elbows on the table insures that your host realizes you think it’s just like home, which is good. Slurping your soup, noodles, etc. is also good because it shows your intense appreciation towards the food they’ve offered you. Licking your fingers and picking your teeth show how much you love the food, and that you just can’t get enough of it. And remember, just be yourself.

Conclusion

By now you should be the most well mannered person at a table, or anywhere. Just by reading this guide you’ve become the life of any meal, the new host, the alpha male at the table. Just follow these 6 steps next time you’re at any sort of dinner, and you’re on your way to greatness.

If you have and questions, qualms, concerns, or comments, please do not hesitate to post them in the comments sections. They won’t appear because I have to approve them, which is really kind of dumb.

Posted by: kiwitoast | January 27, 2010

How to get a girlfriend

Relationships are everything these days. With family, with friends, but there is one extremely overrated relationship this days: one of “love”.  Gosh, that word just strikes you as something you can never grasp, right? BUT LOOK NO FURTHER! This guide will help you get a girlfriend (and perhaps you can apply some of the skills towards men as well). Now, why the hell would you want one anyway? There are many reasons, the one that matters most is connection with people. People in society think that those with relationships with the opposite sex are extremely important. I do not have clue why, but it is like that.

1. Find what sort of female you’d like

Of course, you can’t be picky. If you’re reading a about this subject, obviously you can’t have high expectations, but there are some qualities you should definitely want.

-The person is alive.

-The person is not insane (Actually, if you play your cards right having an insane partner doesn’t have to be that bad)

Those in theory are all the requirements you actually need, and you might not even need the second one! How great is that? Now you have a whole pool of women that you can fail to form a relationship with! Hooray! How great is that?

2. Do not act confident

People tell you that you need to be confident, and you can just get a girl on the fly, no matter what. However, what they fail to tell you is that this is only applicable to a specific amount of people. Sorry to say, you are 99% likely to not fall into this category. So you know what? You take the “shy and mysterious” persona, and walk around. Pretend you are hiding something in your jacket (if you do not have a trenchcoat, get one, it works better), walk around mysteriously around little children, ladies love guys who like kids .  Remember, your persona is a shy, yet mysterious person who likes kids and looks like they are hiding something in their coat.

3. Be humorous

In layman’s terms, this means funny. But how do you be funny? Glad you asked. Make a joke out of everything you do when you break the speaking barrier. Like “how ’bout that grass eh? that’s weird stuff right there”. BAM! You’re a hilarious guy. Not working? Tell bad jokes. Now you might be wondering, won’t that turn them off? No. Ladies love bad jokes. Now some people will tell you they’re so bad, but retaliate by saying they smell funny. Not only will that assert your authority as the man, but it will also make them realize how wrong they were in saying the joke was bad. Finally, dress funny. Vibrant colours, wigs, queer face paint, whatever you need to make yourself stand out. It makes you seem like a funny person. Yep. Of course.

4. Insult them.

Yes you read that correctly. Insult ‘em. I even used ‘em in place of “them”, thus proving how vital this step is. Insulting women make them feel insecure. What does an insecure person turn to? Yep, you, possibly the worst choice before is now a great choice. Not only have you proven yourself as an alpha male, but with their self esteem down the drain, you look like the most appealing choice amongst the crowd of great men, who only treat her badly. Now you might be thinking, wait, wont insulting them make me look like a bad guy as well? Yes, and no. Yes, but that’s okay, because as I said before, you’re the alpha male now. It doesn’t matter that you will seem like a dick after she’s sober again, like the rest of the people she dates, but right now she’s drunk and vulnerable, and is an easy target for you “charm” to come in and sweep her off her feet. However, it is also no, because she won’t believe you were the one who insulted her, and if you tell her that, it’ll make you seem better because she’ll believe you’re trying to help another person. Win win.

5. Find the best places to get women.

Not at work, not anybody you know. You want to go to a place where you can strike them dead with your first impression, so that when you’re somewhere along in your relationship, they won’t give a damn that you’re a loser. However, there is still the fact that no woman will like you when they’re sober, so the best places to go are the bars where the women are easy, and the alcohol is strong. Perhaps if you have any “Drink until you die of alcohol poisoning ” events in your area you can pay a visit there. However, if you are reading this and you are under the legal drinking age, do not, under any circumstances drink. You’re likely attending some form of school. Find the women in your school with the lowest standards, and form a relationship with them. They’ll likely be similar to you, and then you can embark on your relationship.

6. If you decide to take a more confident approach, make sure they know you want them

Don’t just be friends (as if you could be even that). Make sure the person you want knows that you lust for them. Maybe even tell them about what you’ll be like together when you’re old and have grandchildren who are as loserish as you are. Tell them your plans for the future together, even though you still haven’t even engaged in your relationship yet, it’s okay if they’re creeped out, that’s just a normal reaction to someone as smooth as you; They don’t want to show that they really want you now, so they pretend. You’re one smooth dude. Write as many love letters, cards, pictures, everything to them, and make sure everyone she is connected with knows that you want her as well. They might even help you, by distancing you guys so her need for you grows even more!

7. Lie.

You’re obviously not what society deems is a decent person, not even acceptable most likely. However, there are some things you can do about this. You can lie. Oh no, but lying is bad! Well, you’re not the most appealing thing ever, and if you want others to want you, you need to lie. Tell them you’re fat because you had to eat a lot from your expedition to the north pole, but you got into a fight with a polar bear, it bit you and injected a powerful venom that causes you to retain your fat no matter what. Tell them you’re actually really smart, and you’ve gotten nobel prizes in cool (and if they don’t believe there’s a section for that,  make a website. Make sure it’s the first thing you get when you google it).  Tell them you’re hands and other body parts are greasy because you just finished shining your harley, but a ninja came and fought you, broke your harley, but you managed to kill him. Lie about almost everything, because as far as they’re concerned, almost every part of you is disgusting and undesirable. There’s only 1 solution to this, and it’s to lie.

Conclusion

Hopefully this guide helped you attain a relationship with a member of the opposite sex, and maybe you even kept it for a whole 24 hours! Good job! Just remember all these 7 rules (even though many contradict the others) and you’ll be well off on your way to finding true love, or just enough that you can satisfy societies standards. You’ll woo the hearts of everyone, everyone will respect you! Friends and family will be surprised you could actually find a girlfriend! Good job! You deserve it!


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